Unspoken Sentiments
Sometimes…
I wish I was daring enough to speak aloud
the words I scribble onto the page
in this notebook.
To scream at the top of my lungs
exactly how I feel – what I believe
in that very moment.
Have the courage to breathe life into these lines,
pulling them from the flimsy college rule
stained with the ink of poems past
and release them into the cold winter air
like a thousand tiny paper planes.
Have the guts to
pull the pin from these grenades
watching their explosions
with spasmodic glee.
Sure, on paper I’m brave,
I feel the words fly from my fingertips
onto seemingly endless pages,
free and clear and beautiful,
but once the ink is dry they are locked
within the margins of my mind,
sheltered and hidden deep within
like the buried treasures of old.
I keep them that way,
fossils of fastidious feelings
that will grow dust
in unopened folders
in the backlogs of my computer.
The way I see it,
the way I protect myself,
Is that no one can judge what they haven’t heard
or seen.
No one can hear my deepest and darkest secrets
if I refuse to speak them aloud to anyone.
At least that way I’ll be safe, right?
Sometimes, just sometimes,
I wish I was strong.
Wish I was brave enough
to rip the cobwebs off these phrases
and shout my unspoken sentiments to whoever will listen.
I wish I could say the way I love you
to your face.
But I don’t,
because deep down
I can’t muster up the confidence to speak my voice.
I don’t-
because I know I’m too afraid
To take that risk,
expose that intimate part of myself
to anyone or anything but the page
in front of me.
I don’t-
because I can imagine my pulsating heart
lying on the chopping block,
you with butcher knife in hand,
slicing and dicing my heart into horrifying pieces.
I can’t help but cringe
as I imagine the pain stabbing into every fiber,
even the tiniest corners of my soul,
and that image is just too damn terrifying.
I don’t.
because I’m a coward.
because I wonder what the world,
what you,
would think of me.
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